If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
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BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.