I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
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therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.