coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
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I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.