Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
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Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.