I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
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My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.