There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
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channeling her this year
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable