Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
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Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man