Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
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become ungovernable
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
📽️movie date🎞️
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.