Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
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One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.