I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
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5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
oh you wanna fight?!
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.