blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
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On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.