You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
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There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Bros before Ohioes
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.