When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
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Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
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Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.