If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
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Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
called in thicc to work this morning
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
My blood type is coffee.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…