Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
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Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour