I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
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If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk