Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
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Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?