My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
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If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Owl Sanctuary
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
They’re really bad with fonts.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Remember folks 😂
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.