Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
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[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.