I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
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What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean