I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
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Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several