My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
You Might Also Like
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
I’m a bad influence on myself.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style