Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
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Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Doctors texting each other.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
This is the one
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers