We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
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Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Baking is just science you can eat.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.