Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
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Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”