HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
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landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Art by Pastelkatto
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023