[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
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[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
“what that mouth do?” complain
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route