jesus, what did this guy do
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You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.