Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
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Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Easy enough.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…