Bootstraps
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Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.