ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
You Might Also Like
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.