They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
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When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see