doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
You Might Also Like
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
This headline is a thing of beauty
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad