Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
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My zodiac sign is pistachio
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
As the Lord intended
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT