Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
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My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to