I want this so bad
You Might Also Like
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
why would tinder want me to say this
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them