a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
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“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
The glockness monster
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.