My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
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Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
this is the best day of my life
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us