Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
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An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.