USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
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My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.