I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
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I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise