Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
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No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.