Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
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My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Some people were born into their job.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”