My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
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I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?