“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
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Smile they said.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.