When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
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Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
No way!
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
(yawn)
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do