I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
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Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are