A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
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If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Natural selection at its finest
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Fiction has to make sense.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.