The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
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You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
who did the taste test?
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
My birth announcement for our third baby
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol