Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
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“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
This anagram machine is out of order.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
welp
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.